When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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