found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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