New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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