someone threw a dead crab at me
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
