Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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