when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
