My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
