Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
