you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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