he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
