Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
