I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
40s are totally the cure
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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