my mouth tastes like poor choices
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
