If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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