life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
