Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
