My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
