so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
