It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
