I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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