I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
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