Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
