I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
