So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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