Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize