I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize