I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
