Don't make out with my wife yet
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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