My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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