I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
