I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
