please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
