he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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