I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
