a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
