..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
