when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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