Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize