last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
