there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
