so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
