I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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