she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
