I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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