I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
