hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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