hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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