Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
