i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
