she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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