I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
