what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
