Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
