the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
