I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
