i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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