i just made my gag reflex go away.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
