My sheets look like a crime scene.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
