There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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