The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
