fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
