it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize