thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we're chasing vodka with high fives
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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