it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
